Couples, Debt and Marriage

As a women have you ever been told, "I pay the mortgage so it's my house?" Most of us can't even believe that our partner would actually say that to us. Would you believe that there are some people out there who actually believe this statement to be true? They think because they make the mortgage payment it is there house and that your opinions do not matter. Even when they are married or living with a significant other they may believe this to be true. In this day and age of enlightenment it's hard to believe that there are those out there who think this statement is actually true.

How do you feel about a person who makes these kinds of broad general sweeping statements. Do you feel loved? Do you feel like you are part of a relationship or do you feel insignificant? These kinds of statements can cause huge rifts in relationships especially if the person making the statements believes them to be true. If your partner makes these kinds of statements as a way to push your buttons that is a different matter entirely from the type of partner who actually believes that they are the one who owns the house.

The type of person who makes these kinds of statements is acting as if they are single. This person doesn't realize that they are in a partnership with someone who has the same rights as they do, no matter who pays the bills. These types of people actually believe that what they say goes because they are paying the bills.

When these types of persons grew up in homes where those attitudes and behaviours were practiced by their parents, those behaviours actually became learned behaviours. This learning will need to be done over again, this time learning new behaviours as part of an equal partnership that has two voices. New skills will need to be learned and put into practice. There will be lots of work to do by both partners. Negotiation, communication and assertiveness are necessary components of a marriage or partnership and both partners will need to learn these new skills to get what they want or need out of the partnership. Some partners may need only refresher courses while others may need to learn the skills for the first time if they have not practiced these skills as part of the partnership in the past.

We all have our own ideas about money and how things should be done. The challenge comes in trying to put your views together and come out with one plan that works for both persons. Negotiation is a great tool which can be practiced by both partners so they both can get what they want. Both parties want to be happy, feel like they are contributing and that they are valued in the partnership. Many decisions need to be made, decisions about goals, individual as well as shared goals, how will they be accomplished, who will pay, who has the responsibility for accomplishing which tasks? All of these decisions can be negotiated.

Communication is essential to a partnership when trying to answer these types of questions: How do you share the money that is coming in? Whose responsibility is it to pay for certain things? Who pays the debts? How do you determine whether a big ticket item is purchased? What's the process? Who manages the money that is coming in? How do you keep each other appraised of what's going on with the money, debt, obligations, etc.? These are some of the questions that you need to discuss and find answers for.

If you would like some assistance to be able to answer these questions, Debbie Squier-Bernst has worked with couples for five years to discuss finances within a marriage. Getting married? Debbie would be happy to meet with you and your significant other for a confidential session.
877-738-3328 (Debt), 807-345-3328 (Debt) or www.astepbeyond.ca